A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that stupid map again..."
I dunno if someone said some of these alrdy .. i didnt read da whole thread.. but ne way here they r..
1.There are 2 blondes on each side of a river , the first blonde shouts across the river "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?!" . The second blonde replies , "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE , STUPID!!" .
2.There were 3 men who worked together , a blonde , brunette and a redhead.
Each day at their lunch-break , they would go to the top of the building and eat their lunch together. They each looked into their lunchboxes..
The brunette said "Im sick of this! Why does she do it?? If I get ham sandwiches again I'm jumping off this roof!"..
The redhead looked in and said , "Not again!! This is the last straw , if I get Buritos tomorrow I'm jumping off this roof!"
The blonde stared down at his lunchbox , "I didn't get any lunch!! If this happens again tomorrow I'm jumping off!!"
So , tomorrow came , and it was lunch-break.
The brunette opened his lunchbox and sees .. a ham sandwich. The other 2 watch as he stands on the ledge of the roof and leaps.
The redhead opens his lunchbox and peers in .. only to see .. a Burito. He does the same as the brunette , stands on the ledge , takes a final look down , and jumps.
The blonde is shocked , reluctantly opening his lunchbox , he slowly looks in. Only to find , NOTHING , he angrily sprints for the ledge , slips and breaks his neck.
Later on that day , the brunette and redhead are found on the footpath . . and the blonde , on the roof.
The 3 wives all meet at the workplace , they are crying and confused.
The brunette's wife says "I never knew .. I wouldn't have made him ham sandwiches!! Why didn't he just tell me!?"
The redhead's wife , crying says "I had no idea he didn't want Buritos !! .."
The blonde's wife , very confused , says "I DONT KNOW WHY HE DID IT !! .. HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH!! .. "
3. How do u keep a blonde amused for hours? (SEE BELOW FOR ANSWER)
(Scroll down for an exciting secret)
4. A blonde woman is out of petrol and fortunately (or unfortunately) she runs out right next to a gas station.
She grabs a can from the back of her car , and walks up to the service counter.
She shows the can to the man at the counter and says "I'm looking for some 710 , do you have any in stock?" . The man replies "No I'm sorry , try walking down to the next station , its not far from here".
The blonde does as she's told and walks a little while to the next gas station. She walks in and holds up the can to the man behind the counter. She asks him "Do you happen to have any 710 in stock?" . The man replies , "No I'm sorry , I've never heard of the stuff."
She is angry that she walked here and still got nothing. She marches to the managers room and slams the can down on his desk. She shouts "YOU PEOPLE ARE USELESS , CAN'T YOU JUST GET ME SOME 710??!!"
The manager snatched the can off her and flipped it the right way up. The blonde looked at it and walked away embarrased.
Morris, an elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless-girl of about seventeen, ransacking his home.
He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
Morris thought for a moment and decided to give in.
Soon they were naked in bed together.
The old man tried hard to get aroused, but finally, after about 15 minutes he rolled over, exhausted and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarves who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Suddenly the six remaining Dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguiiiiiin, Dopey screwed a penguiiiiiin..."
If you live near a railroad track, get a tape measure and check this out. The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And may the bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way, and wonder what horse's arse came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
Now the twist of the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The Engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' arses. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent! . "One Cent", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing downstairs to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."