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  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    Actual Bumper Stickers
    ---------------------------

    Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

    There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

    WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

    So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

    I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

    My kid had sex with your honor student.

    Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

    If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

    Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

    Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

    Hang up and drive.

    Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

    WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

    I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Lord save me from your followers.

    Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

    Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

    Born again pagan.

    God must love stupid people, he made so many.

    I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

    Cats... the other white meat.

    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

    Wink, I'll do the rest!

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

    I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
  • foonr
    Level 1

    How to talk about men and still be politically correct...

    He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

    He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

    He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

    He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

    He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

    He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

    He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

    He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

    He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

    He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

    He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

    He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
  • foonr
    Level 1

    These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

    "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

    "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

    "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
  • foonr
    Level 1

    This mp3 is worth a whole page of jokes alone. If you havent heard it already, its a skit called 'Drive Thru' by Tenacious D



    nb: Not compressed
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    "How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer "


    1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

    2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

    4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out this sumbitch.

    5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8 ) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10) Good places for the Blues:
    a) Highway;
    2) Jailhouse;
    c) Empty bed;
    d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.

    Bad places for the Blues:
    a) Dillard's;
    2) Gallery openings;
    c) Ivy League institutions;
    d) Golf courses

    11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
    a) You older than dirt;
    2) You blind;
    c) You shot a man in Memphis;
    d) You can't be satisfied.

    No, if
    a) You have all your teeth;
    2) You were once blind but now can see;
    c) The man in Memphis lived;
    d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

    13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are

    a) Cheap wine;
    2) Whiskey or bourbon;
    c) Muddy water;
    d) Nasty black coffee.

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a) Perrier;
    2) Chardonnay;
    c) Snapple;
    d) Slim Fast.

    15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

    16) Some Blues names for women:
    a) Sadie;
    2) Big Mama;
    c) Bessie;
    d) Fat River Dumpling

    17) Some Blues names for men
    a) Joe;
    2) Willie;
    c) Little Willie;
    d) Big Willie

    18 ) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

    a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
    2) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
    c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
    d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues 'less that computer is so old that in order to trade it for a broke harmonica you still got to spice the deal with some cash. We talkin Pentium II or earlier.
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

    3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

    Clinton was quick to stop him saying,"No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

    The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    The top 16 world's shortest books
    ===========================

    16. Al Gore: The Wild Years
    15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
    14. America's Most Popular Lawyers
    13. Career Opportunities for History Majors
    12. Detroit - A Travel Guide
    11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
    10. Easy UNIX
    9. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
    8. Everything Men Know About Women
    7. Everything Women Know About Men
    6. French Hospitality
    5. George Forman's Big Book of Baby Names
    4. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
    3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
    2. The Amish Phone Book

    AND.... The Number One World's Shortest Book:

    1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion.
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

    "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

    "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

    "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

    The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

    "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

    The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

    "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
  • JamesBOMB
    Level 1

    A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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