A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. (True story)
A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin. At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?" "About 270," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man. Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270. But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop. Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by. "What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?" Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the scooter. "That just couldn't be," he says to himself. Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy. The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the scooter that crashed into him. "Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you? "Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."
im not sure if things like " english man scots man and irsh man jokes" are alowed but on the assumption blode jokes are ill geuss at yes, but if they arent for the record i dont believe in steryotyping unless i dont like you.
2 irish men where working in a saw mill when one falls over a chops his arm off so the other one says hay murphey youve chopped your arm off! and picks it up and puts it in a plastic bag and takes him to a doctors. the doctor tells paddy to come back in an hour. 1 hour later paddy comes back and takes murphey to the saw mill. and as soon as they enter the door muphy falls over and chops both legs off. so paddy picks both legs up, and puts them in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. the doctor says come back in 2 hours. 2 hours later paddy takes muphey back to the saw mill and no sooner than they begin working murphey falls and chops his head off. paddy pick his head up and puts it in a plastic bag, before going to the doctors. the doctor says come back in 1 hour. paddy comes back in one hour and asks how the opporation whent. to which the doctor says that murphey is dead. and paddy asks if it was to complicated an operation. The doctor says no, he suffocated in the plastic bag.
a german walks into a motorway service station and whilst eating says that the german lorry is a lot stronger and faster than any english lorry and that he can go from berlin to london and back in under 24 hours. to which the barman says that thats all well and good, but his granddad went from london to berlin, dropped off his load and got back in under four hours. to this the german is shocked and asks if it was an english lorry. to which the barman says nope, it was a lancaster bomber.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, gave it a doggie biscuit, and took it back to its room. Then he returned a few moments later with a beautiful black persian cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. Suddenly she screamed " Â£ 300! I don't understand it costing Â£ 300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been Â£ 40 ............but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."