3 guys walking in the desert in desperate search of something to drink. They have been walking for miles and miles and no village to find. Then in the distance they see a house. They walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. A woman comes to the door and asks what they want.
"Please mam we would really like some water to drink, could you please give us some," one of the men asked. To which the woman replies: "of course you can, but in return you will have to let me do something to you!"
"But what do you want to do to us," one of them said. "You will first have to agree, before I tell you," the woman said. The three men discussed the proposal and declined, cause they thought there was too much of a risk. They thanked the woman and proceeded on with their journey.
About 5 miles further, one of the men could not go on any more and decided to go back and take the woman up on her offer after all. The other 2 walked on and later they heard a scream in the distance: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh."
Another 5 miles later one of the 2 remaining decided to go back as well, cause he could go on no longer. And yes later on the last man heard that scream again: "Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh."
After another 5 miles, the last man decided that he too had to go back, for there was no other village to be found. When he arrived back at the house. The lady was waiting for him.
"Please mam, could I get a drink of water?" The lady said: "Yes, of course, but you know what the deal was!" He said: "Well Ok, I'll take you up on it, but I want to know what you did to my friends first." "Well allright then," she replied.
"The first one I sawed his dick off, cause he is a carpenter. The second one, I chopped his dick off, cause he's a butcher."
All of a sudden the man got a really big smile on his face and replied: "well you better start licking then, cause I own an ice-cream parlor!"
A panda goes into a bar and grill and orders a sandwich. As soon as he finishes the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The panda then gets up to leave when the bartender shouts at him, "Where do you think you're going? You can't just order a meal, kill the waiter, and then walk right out of here like that!"
The panda gives dictionary to the bartender and he looks up "panda."
Panda - n. A large marsupial native to south eastern Asia with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.
He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.
Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.
He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."