Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Gimme 20 shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick!" The bartender obliges and watches awe as the man downs each one in quick succession. Bartender says, "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink that fast!" "You'd drink that fast if you have what I have!" "What do you have?" "Fifty cents."
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested. :lol:
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the hell out of it.
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam.
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? Polaroids.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.
An old Scotsman walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him to take his order and notices that he has a steering wheel sticking straight out of his crotch. A little perplexed, the bartender asks him what he'll be having. *In Scottish Accent* "Aye, I'll be havin' a Guinness." The bartender pours him a Guinness, and after a couple more, the bartender couldn't stand it anymore, as the old man had not acknowledged the steering wheel in any way. "Sir, do you realize that you have a steering wheel sticking straight out of your crotch?" To which the old man replies, *In Scottish Accent* "Ya, I know! It's drivin' me nuts!"
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops poop on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep poop, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. .
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn''t!.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step..
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. .
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don''t even know who you are!".
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma''am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Probably I'm ruining the joke by roughly translating it from german to english, but here it goes:
A man with two black eyes (black, because they are swollen) meets a friend. "What happened to your eyes?" - "Well, I was standing on an escalator and in front of me that beautiful girl. I noticed that her skirt was squeezed slighty into her behind, so I pulled it out. So she hit me." - "OK, that explains one black eye." - "After she hit me and turned around, I stuck the skirt back again...."
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 4. Crying is blackmail. 5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, muzzle velocities, or monster trucks. 22. You have enough clothes.
1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here. 2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence. 3. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock. 4 .Start telling them your life story. 5. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they live. 6. Reply to all their questions in song. 7. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other language. 8. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five. If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet. 9. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly. 10. Demand that they refer to you as Captain. 11. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock. 12. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning. 13. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today. 14. Describe your socks in detail. 15. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe your endless list of health problems. 16. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes. 17. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM! 18. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender. Then later tell them they were wrong. 19. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat some more. 20. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door. 21. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it occasionally. 22. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to since your return to Earth. 23. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?" 24. Begin snoring. 25. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to a better place. 26. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that." 27. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you!" 28. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs." 29. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?" 30. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time out of your busy day to breathe. 31. Start reading them some of your poetry. 32. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles. 33. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling. 34. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of their living room. 35. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with tails. 36. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they are clearly older than you.) 37. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise. 38. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding noises?" 39. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly. 40. Or.............just pretend to be an answering machine.